For the first time ever, I have nothing to say. Nothing to say to her or to anyone else. I'm so unhappy with every aspect of my life, that I don't even know how to express it. Ugh, I want to blame it all on them, and say that it is all their fault. But honestly I know that I'm the problem.
It is impossible to please me or satisfy me. Nothing is ever good enough. I'm so rigid and cruel about everything. But I don't realize that I'm being that way until it is too late.
Blahhh. A couple weeks ago I was reading some of my stuff from Jan-May. And I got so emotional about how good things used to be. I was really happy less than 6 months ago, and now I'm the complete opposite. The thing is, I have no clue how to feel like that again. I don't even know where to start.
Most of the time I feel like my mom is suffocating me. She treats me like a little kid.... like she thinks I'm dumb. So that really grinds my gears because for the most part I am right and she is wrongggg. Yeah, thats right. My mom is the dumb one.
And then of course, there is this girl. And I don't really have anything to say to her anymore. Because I know that everything I want to say will be the wrong thing to say. I want to tell her how I feel about her, but that would most likely result in our relationship deteriorating down to nothing. But it is kinda headed towards the point of nothingness anyway. I just want to make her understand how incredible things would be if we were together. I want her so badly that it hurts. This is a scary thing for me because I've never felt this way about anyone before. And I hate that she doesnt know about these feelings. I hate that she will NEVER know about these feelings.
But, if I ever get to the point of suicide... I'll leave a note. And I'll let her know that she was part of the reason.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
hey, hey!
I went to school everyday last week, even though I felt like shit the whole time. I'm proud of me. I am determined not to miss a single day of school. Because I want to show them. ;)
Anyway, I had a looong talk with my mother last night. Some parts good, some parts not. She said that I have chosen the wrong friends... referring to Carly and Amy. That made me mad, freal. But then again, if it were my kid.. ha I probably wouldn't care.
And I've been thinking about that a lot lately. When I pop out a kid, what am I going to tell them? I have had quite a few undesirable experiences, but I've learned from them. I don't think it is enough to tell someone not to do something. Sometimes it is better for them to figure it out for themselves. Because for the most part, they don't believe a single word you're saying.
So anyways... I want to know what constitutes the "wrong crowd". According to my mother, it is weed smokers, pierced/tattooed individuals, those that quit school/got kicked out, and people with no future. Well, if you ask me... I don't have a problem with those people. At least they are honest about their actions and intentions. To me, the wrong crowd would be the populars and the god squad. Now, the populars because they are fake. They aren't true to themselves. Actually, those people don't even have an idea of who they really are. And then the god squad because they are hypocritical liars. And they absorb themselves in religion because they are afraid of living.
Mmmm, you think I'm a tiny bit bitter towards Christians? And this isn't to say that all of them are bad, because they aren't. There is a handful of people that believe in Christ, and believe in helping others. They believe in love and tolerance. But as for the rest of them , they're not very good people.
Anyway, I had a looong talk with my mother last night. Some parts good, some parts not. She said that I have chosen the wrong friends... referring to Carly and Amy. That made me mad, freal. But then again, if it were my kid.. ha I probably wouldn't care.
And I've been thinking about that a lot lately. When I pop out a kid, what am I going to tell them? I have had quite a few undesirable experiences, but I've learned from them. I don't think it is enough to tell someone not to do something. Sometimes it is better for them to figure it out for themselves. Because for the most part, they don't believe a single word you're saying.
So anyways... I want to know what constitutes the "wrong crowd". According to my mother, it is weed smokers, pierced/tattooed individuals, those that quit school/got kicked out, and people with no future. Well, if you ask me... I don't have a problem with those people. At least they are honest about their actions and intentions. To me, the wrong crowd would be the populars and the god squad. Now, the populars because they are fake. They aren't true to themselves. Actually, those people don't even have an idea of who they really are. And then the god squad because they are hypocritical liars. And they absorb themselves in religion because they are afraid of living.
Mmmm, you think I'm a tiny bit bitter towards Christians? And this isn't to say that all of them are bad, because they aren't. There is a handful of people that believe in Christ, and believe in helping others. They believe in love and tolerance. But as for the rest of them , they're not very good people.
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