For the first time ever, I have nothing to say. Nothing to say to her or to anyone else. I'm so unhappy with every aspect of my life, that I don't even know how to express it. Ugh, I want to blame it all on them, and say that it is all their fault. But honestly I know that I'm the problem.
It is impossible to please me or satisfy me. Nothing is ever good enough. I'm so rigid and cruel about everything. But I don't realize that I'm being that way until it is too late.
Blahhh. A couple weeks ago I was reading some of my stuff from Jan-May. And I got so emotional about how good things used to be. I was really happy less than 6 months ago, and now I'm the complete opposite. The thing is, I have no clue how to feel like that again. I don't even know where to start.
Most of the time I feel like my mom is suffocating me. She treats me like a little kid.... like she thinks I'm dumb. So that really grinds my gears because for the most part I am right and she is wrongggg. Yeah, thats right. My mom is the dumb one.
And then of course, there is this girl. And I don't really have anything to say to her anymore. Because I know that everything I want to say will be the wrong thing to say. I want to tell her how I feel about her, but that would most likely result in our relationship deteriorating down to nothing. But it is kinda headed towards the point of nothingness anyway. I just want to make her understand how incredible things would be if we were together. I want her so badly that it hurts. This is a scary thing for me because I've never felt this way about anyone before. And I hate that she doesnt know about these feelings. I hate that she will NEVER know about these feelings.
But, if I ever get to the point of suicide... I'll leave a note. And I'll let her know that she was part of the reason.
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