So Many Things

It's been like a total shit storm in these past 2 weeks. School started, and I absolutely hate it. The teachers... the people. I just don't feel like dealing with it.

And then there is something going on with Amy. I don't even know what. I feel like she has abandomed me, like a dog. I don't want to deal with losing her, but if she is going to continue being like this... then it would be better to get over her now. I don't want to dig the wound any deeper, I want it to get better.

And I finally broke down and started talking to Sam again. I don't feel like I'm friends with her, but she feels like she is friends with me. I don't want to hurt her like she hurt me. That wouldn't make me any better than her. I feel like she really used me. And she keeps trying to tell me things about a certain someone. Like I want to know. And I promise I don't.

For the first time ever, I honestly want him dead. Just off of this Earth. I could take everything to court and ruin the rest of his life, but that would mean that I would have to deal with him. I just want it all to go away.

And I said I was going to church tonight. But the truth is, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like listening to someone rave and rant about religious bullshit.

I believe that people exist, and that is pretty much it. Maybe there is a diety, and maybe it is all a sick joke. One day we will find out. But I really think people should respect everyone's beliefs. And they shouldn't force their beliefs on anyone else.

The Enddddd.

The Original Girls Next Door

Okay, so today I discovered some strange things about the original Girls Next Door. Um, did you know that Bridget is 35. Yeah, so that isn't really that old. But when you consider that Kendra was only 19 when she moved into the mansion... it kinda makes you wonder. And Holly was 21 when she moved in. Its just odd that Hef would want a girl in her late 20's as a girlfriend.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking Bridget for being older. Because honestly, she doesnt look her age. But I will say one thing about her. On every episode, I thought of her as the "chubby" girl. Not fat by any means, but just a little heavier than all the other girls. And now since she has started her own show on the Travel Channel, she looks really skinny. I'm just saying.

Alright, so Holly. The shallow one. When she started to get famous, she dropped her real last name 'Cullen' and started using her middle name 'Madison' as her last name. Okay, so maybe some stars do that. But in my opinion Holly isn't THAT famous. And she has had plastic surgery. Not just a boob job, but a dramatic rhinoplasty. So she probably isn't even naturally pretty.

Kendra. My favorite. Very raw, and very real. But I think that maybe she is relying a little too much on Hef when she is supposed to be out on her own. I mean, making him the godfather of her child? And marrying Hank Baskett at the Playboy Mansion? Yeah, I'm sure Hef agreed to all of these things, but she shouldn't have asked so much of him. Especially since they broke up.

And am I the only one that finds it just a little fishy that one day everything is fine and then the next Holly is breaking up with Hef. And like the day after that, Kendra is leaving him for Hank. And the day after that Bridget goes to Europe to film Sexiest Beaches. It's like all of his girlfriends left in the same week. Damn, they did. I really want to know what all that is about.
And I want to know why there seems to be bad blood between Hef & Holly. Hef and Kendra seem to be getting along just great.

And seriously, who would agree to being one of seven girlfriends? Since Hef gets to have more than one girlfriend, I wonder if they get to have more than one boyfriend. It is an interesting concept.

And just for kicks, I wonder how many girls he has had sex with. Maybe 300-400? Who knows.

Guys, When It Rains

When one thing goes wrong, then everything starts falling apart. Like for example, my father. He just loves to start shit with me. He keeps nagging and picking until I feel like my head is going to explode. So naturally, I snap. And then the parents tag team me. And they are like "Why do you always have to be such a bitch?" Well, I can tell you that any other time, my parents don't talk to each other. Only when they are getting me in trouble. But, I guess that is just the way of parents.

I really need to finish my summer reading. Well, I need to finish The Gospel According to Larry. And then I must write a summary on a notecard. Blah. And as if that isn't enough, then I have to read Huck Finn and A Separate Peace. And summarize both of those on notecards. I really hope all of this is worth being in honors english. But most likely, it will be same as last year. More essays, harder questions, critical thinking. Not that I don't enjoy literature, but analyzing it is a completely different topic. Frankly, I hate to analyze anything. It sucks.

Well, I guess I'm about to find out if my mom took pity on me and brought me back a sandwich from subway. Today I'm not so sure that she did. But then, I suppose we will find out.

Just When I Was Starting To Think!

Alright, so ever since the day I was born my brother and sister have been hopeless drug addicts. Throughout my life, my parents have kept me at a distance from them. However, I was well versed in the late night phone calls to the house. Asking for various things; money, a ride, a place to stay. And I'd also seen my dad cry many times over the wrongs that his other children were doing. But honestly, I had no clue about the wrath of a true addict.

They had been to multiple rehabilitation centers in their lives, and each time they would stay clean for a few months. But then they would soon fall back into the old lifestlye. Well, after my brother stole from my parent's business, he was left with the decision of rehab or jail. And so he chose rehab.

They both went to the foundary for around 9 months, and they came out clean. In fact, they were showing hope of staying that way. We all had our suspicions that some light recreational drugs were in use, but in the grand scheme of things that didn't really matter.

Now, last night my brother saved my life. From my satanic, fuck tard of a sister.

And all that I can say to him is thanks, because that situation could have gone either way.
And as for my sister, since she went ape shit and tried to kill me, all I can sincerely say is DIE BITCH.

Man, I'm Always Putting Myself In These Situations

It always happens to me. If something is good, I screw it up. I guess that is just my luck. But I am really trying to avoid that. Im off of sex ;) Just like in Juno. Not because I'm pregnant, but because I have enough going on in my life. I dont need extra complications.

So, there is this girl. And I happen to be completely dependant on her. But she isn't my mother... in fact she isn't even related to me. I depend on her for advice, happiness, and love. I know I count on her too much. But you see, this girl isn't your ordinary chick. There is something really special about her. She is the only person that understands me from the core, and she doesn't put up with my bullshit. She actually deals with me. Most people look the other way because they don't feel like fighting with me, but not this girl. And I really appreciate her for that.


I can't imagine what I would do without her. I really don't want to think about it. It would be horendous if she ever stopped talking to me, caring about me, dealing with me and loving me. It would most likely lead me to my death. And it wouldn't be her fault. Only mine, for falling completely in love with her. Not a romantic love... simply a platonic one.


Lately I've been thinking about growing old. It is a scary thought that I am almost half way through high school. Then I will be in college and working. I have no earthly idea what I would like to do with the rest of my life. I love literature, but I have no clue how to turn that into a career. I want to marry a good man, one that really cares about me. But I'm sure that he will want children. And pregnancy is another one of those scary things about growing up. Becoming responsible for another human life. I don't know if I can do it, or if I would even want to.