soooo,

So its been awhile since i've written anything on here, about 7 months to be exact. the truth of the matter is that i forgot my password, and wasnt exactly sure how to recover it. but anyways, i've been doing pretty great these past few months. my doctor put me on prozac, and it is absolutely a wonder drug. i've never felt better in my life. and also, i think i might have finally found a birth control that i can tolerate. so yayyy.
however, im not looking forward to starting back to school in 3 days. nope, not one bit. i should have a really tough schedule this year. it'll look something like this: dual enrollment for speech and psychology either 2 or 3 days a week...not sure yet. then photography, spanish 4, honors english, ap history, algebra 2 with trig, chemistry, and math tutoring. hopefully i'll make it out alive ahaha.
but anyways, i wanted to address a topic thats been on my mind alot lately. stealing.
i know its bad, and its wrong, and its part of the reason that prices are so high...but that doesnt stop me from doing it. it started out with taking little things that i didnt wanna buy...like condoms. well, in the past year i've added quite a bit to the list. lets see. eye make up. foundation. fake nails. hair color. jewelry. wine. mascara. make up remover. face wash. yankee candles. a tervis tumbler. clothes. bras. shoes. a foldable tote. books. a penis shaped cake pan. in fact, i think my stealing is getting pretty serious. and it all stems from the fact that i just dont want to pay for these things. its not that i cant afford them or anything like that, its just that i'd rather have them for free. and also, probably adding to the fire, is the fact that i've never been caught. but honestly, i dont want to get caught because it would be on my record and thats something i just dont need. well you say, if it would upset you to have stealing on your record..then dont do it! well im afraid its not that easy. i mean, who wants to pay $4.50 for face wash or $8 for mascara. the prices are ridiculous. and actually, i've found a little perk to this stealing thing. when i steal a product and take it home and try it, i often find that the product sucks. like these pajama pants im wearing right now. if i'd bought these and paid $7 for them, i wouldve been pretty pissed off because they are really itchy. and like the mascara i stole the other day.. it was only $2.50 but it is super crappy. once again, i wouldve been pissed.

its just something for people to think about... trying things for "free"
another example... the face wash that was $4.50... i love it. now i actually plan to buy it. but if i hadnt stolen it... i never would have paid that much for it.

and another thing ive discovered is that stores dont care about stealing nearly as much as they'd like you to believe. walmart claims that they have over 200 cameras in their store... but what they dont mention is how many of those are fake. and also, they have one person watching those tapes. lets say they have 50 real cameras...how many people do you know that can have their eyes on 50 images at once. see...exactly. you dont know anybody.
and they also claim that they have 2 plain clothes security, or "secret shoppers". well, they do. but what happens when one of those people goes to the bathroom, or on break. yeah, then they have one person to watch everybody in the store. and also, what kind of dumbass steals something when they know somebody is looking. now supposedly these secret shoppers are stealthy and discreet. well, how many times have you seen someone that looked perfectly normal lurking around wal mart acting like a cia agent.... yeah, you havent. im not saying these people dont exist, but what i am saying is that the secret shoppers are more concerned with looking normal and not giving themselves away. if i had to guess i'd say that these people mainly target the cosmetics section, the electronics and the clothing departments.... now of course those are the departments you want to steal from. so the solution is simple. take the item you want to steal out of those departments. i suggest somewhere like the lawn and garden aisle or the rugs. there usually isnt anybody on those aisles.. and there are very few cameras around there.

but enough of my shoplifting shenanagans... the end.

hi(;

i think im really smart. like, smarter than most people. and you could call that conceited, but whatever.

for example, last night we were talking about who jackie o was... and then someone's dad started trying to explain her. dear lord, i thought i was going to punch the man. he messed up so many facts about the woman's life... it was terrible. now, im not trying to put him down for being ill informed on history...but people should know when to shut the hell up. yeahhhh.

and another thing...definitions. for example, inflation. you know how many times i've heard people say that its an increase in prices. um, NO. its a DECREASE in the value of money. dumbass.

and impeach. most people think that means to remove someone from their position or office. uhh, wrong. it has nothing to do with that. impeachment is to formally bring charges against someone. and then, if that person is found guilty of those charges, they can be removed from their office.

so i think that before people start throwing out words, they should be well aware of what they mean. invest in a dictionary, for the love of humanity.

Speechless

For the first time ever, I have nothing to say. Nothing to say to her or to anyone else. I'm so unhappy with every aspect of my life, that I don't even know how to express it. Ugh, I want to blame it all on them, and say that it is all their fault. But honestly I know that I'm the problem.

It is impossible to please me or satisfy me. Nothing is ever good enough. I'm so rigid and cruel about everything. But I don't realize that I'm being that way until it is too late.

Blahhh. A couple weeks ago I was reading some of my stuff from Jan-May. And I got so emotional about how good things used to be. I was really happy less than 6 months ago, and now I'm the complete opposite. The thing is, I have no clue how to feel like that again. I don't even know where to start.

Most of the time I feel like my mom is suffocating me. She treats me like a little kid.... like she thinks I'm dumb. So that really grinds my gears because for the most part I am right and she is wrongggg. Yeah, thats right. My mom is the dumb one.

And then of course, there is this girl. And I don't really have anything to say to her anymore. Because I know that everything I want to say will be the wrong thing to say. I want to tell her how I feel about her, but that would most likely result in our relationship deteriorating down to nothing. But it is kinda headed towards the point of nothingness anyway. I just want to make her understand how incredible things would be if we were together. I want her so badly that it hurts. This is a scary thing for me because I've never felt this way about anyone before. And I hate that she doesnt know about these feelings. I hate that she will NEVER know about these feelings.

But, if I ever get to the point of suicide... I'll leave a note. And I'll let her know that she was part of the reason.

hey, hey!

I went to school everyday last week, even though I felt like shit the whole time. I'm proud of me. I am determined not to miss a single day of school. Because I want to show them. ;)

Anyway, I had a looong talk with my mother last night. Some parts good, some parts not. She said that I have chosen the wrong friends... referring to Carly and Amy. That made me mad, freal. But then again, if it were my kid.. ha I probably wouldn't care.

And I've been thinking about that a lot lately. When I pop out a kid, what am I going to tell them? I have had quite a few undesirable experiences, but I've learned from them. I don't think it is enough to tell someone not to do something. Sometimes it is better for them to figure it out for themselves. Because for the most part, they don't believe a single word you're saying.

So anyways... I want to know what constitutes the "wrong crowd". According to my mother, it is weed smokers, pierced/tattooed individuals, those that quit school/got kicked out, and people with no future. Well, if you ask me... I don't have a problem with those people. At least they are honest about their actions and intentions. To me, the wrong crowd would be the populars and the god squad. Now, the populars because they are fake. They aren't true to themselves. Actually, those people don't even have an idea of who they really are. And then the god squad because they are hypocritical liars. And they absorb themselves in religion because they are afraid of living.

Mmmm, you think I'm a tiny bit bitter towards Christians? And this isn't to say that all of them are bad, because they aren't. There is a handful of people that believe in Christ, and believe in helping others. They believe in love and tolerance. But as for the rest of them , they're not very good people.

So Many Things

It's been like a total shit storm in these past 2 weeks. School started, and I absolutely hate it. The teachers... the people. I just don't feel like dealing with it.

And then there is something going on with Amy. I don't even know what. I feel like she has abandomed me, like a dog. I don't want to deal with losing her, but if she is going to continue being like this... then it would be better to get over her now. I don't want to dig the wound any deeper, I want it to get better.

And I finally broke down and started talking to Sam again. I don't feel like I'm friends with her, but she feels like she is friends with me. I don't want to hurt her like she hurt me. That wouldn't make me any better than her. I feel like she really used me. And she keeps trying to tell me things about a certain someone. Like I want to know. And I promise I don't.

For the first time ever, I honestly want him dead. Just off of this Earth. I could take everything to court and ruin the rest of his life, but that would mean that I would have to deal with him. I just want it all to go away.

And I said I was going to church tonight. But the truth is, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like listening to someone rave and rant about religious bullshit.

I believe that people exist, and that is pretty much it. Maybe there is a diety, and maybe it is all a sick joke. One day we will find out. But I really think people should respect everyone's beliefs. And they shouldn't force their beliefs on anyone else.

The Enddddd.

The Original Girls Next Door

Okay, so today I discovered some strange things about the original Girls Next Door. Um, did you know that Bridget is 35. Yeah, so that isn't really that old. But when you consider that Kendra was only 19 when she moved into the mansion... it kinda makes you wonder. And Holly was 21 when she moved in. Its just odd that Hef would want a girl in her late 20's as a girlfriend.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking Bridget for being older. Because honestly, she doesnt look her age. But I will say one thing about her. On every episode, I thought of her as the "chubby" girl. Not fat by any means, but just a little heavier than all the other girls. And now since she has started her own show on the Travel Channel, she looks really skinny. I'm just saying.

Alright, so Holly. The shallow one. When she started to get famous, she dropped her real last name 'Cullen' and started using her middle name 'Madison' as her last name. Okay, so maybe some stars do that. But in my opinion Holly isn't THAT famous. And she has had plastic surgery. Not just a boob job, but a dramatic rhinoplasty. So she probably isn't even naturally pretty.

Kendra. My favorite. Very raw, and very real. But I think that maybe she is relying a little too much on Hef when she is supposed to be out on her own. I mean, making him the godfather of her child? And marrying Hank Baskett at the Playboy Mansion? Yeah, I'm sure Hef agreed to all of these things, but she shouldn't have asked so much of him. Especially since they broke up.

And am I the only one that finds it just a little fishy that one day everything is fine and then the next Holly is breaking up with Hef. And like the day after that, Kendra is leaving him for Hank. And the day after that Bridget goes to Europe to film Sexiest Beaches. It's like all of his girlfriends left in the same week. Damn, they did. I really want to know what all that is about.
And I want to know why there seems to be bad blood between Hef & Holly. Hef and Kendra seem to be getting along just great.

And seriously, who would agree to being one of seven girlfriends? Since Hef gets to have more than one girlfriend, I wonder if they get to have more than one boyfriend. It is an interesting concept.

And just for kicks, I wonder how many girls he has had sex with. Maybe 300-400? Who knows.

Guys, When It Rains

When one thing goes wrong, then everything starts falling apart. Like for example, my father. He just loves to start shit with me. He keeps nagging and picking until I feel like my head is going to explode. So naturally, I snap. And then the parents tag team me. And they are like "Why do you always have to be such a bitch?" Well, I can tell you that any other time, my parents don't talk to each other. Only when they are getting me in trouble. But, I guess that is just the way of parents.

I really need to finish my summer reading. Well, I need to finish The Gospel According to Larry. And then I must write a summary on a notecard. Blah. And as if that isn't enough, then I have to read Huck Finn and A Separate Peace. And summarize both of those on notecards. I really hope all of this is worth being in honors english. But most likely, it will be same as last year. More essays, harder questions, critical thinking. Not that I don't enjoy literature, but analyzing it is a completely different topic. Frankly, I hate to analyze anything. It sucks.

Well, I guess I'm about to find out if my mom took pity on me and brought me back a sandwich from subway. Today I'm not so sure that she did. But then, I suppose we will find out.