Frustrations

I can't stand these judge shows. They drive me up the wall. I don't care about other people's lives. I don't want to know about their drama. Seriously. I have enough things of my own to deal with. I don't need extra.

So I've had my permit for a couple weeks, and I have only gotten to drive a few times. I ask mother "When are you going to get a car put in your name?" And she says "Well, that is just a lot of money to take out of our account right now..." So I guess that means that I don't get to use my permit, and that when it comes time to get my license... I won't be able to get it. Stress.

Maybe I have learned some of my behaviors from my mother. When she is upset, it is like a domino effect. If she has to be down, then she has to take me down with her. Things have always been like this.

And now Taitlynn is trying to convince her mother to take her to Julie's birthday party. She claims that she has to go because she is Julie's bestfriend. Well, I thought Taitlynn was supposed to be my bestfriend. And I don't recall Taitlynn even talking to me on my birthday. Or the days before it. Or the days after it. I had to REMIND her that she had forgotten my birthday. Some bestfriend.

Pretty much, I think I'd be a lot happier if I could be by myself. Live alone. Be alone in the world. Because I am smart, way smarter than most people. And I can call the shots better than you can ;)

So last thing. Those really strong Christian people are stupid. Devoting their lives to someone that may or may not exist. And then spreading the word about this person that may or may not exist. And all those Christian bands that sound exactly the same... they make me nauseous. I need something more along the lines of "When I see you tonight it's gonna be so cool. We can watch tv and maybe listen to some Husker Du"

My Father

My father annoys the fuck out of me. He says I'm obsessed by things, like texting and popping my joints. Well if you ask me, he is obsessed with the TV, his nextel beeper, and the damn newspaper. So he shouldn't be passing judgement. And he is too lazy to actually get out 0f the car and walk in subway. Now that pisses me off.

Man, I've had a headache everyday this week. Maybe it is how I do my hair now. Or maybe I'm just under too much stress. I dunno.

Im officially a sophomore. I hope this year goes well. Because freshman year had its ups and downs. I want things to go smoothly, just for once. I promise I've never done anything to deserve the stuff I have to deal with. I've never done anything that bad!

Lately I have started to realize that I am a pretty whiney individual. I get upset when I don't get my way. And not to make an excuse for it, but I think that part of the reason that I am this way is because I was constantly oppressed through out my childhood. I always let other people take control, and I really didn't have a true identity. So now that I have developed into my own person, I want things NOW. I don't feel like waiting because I have already spent my whole life waiting. Does any of this make sense? Does anything really make sense?

Am I Vain?

I think I'm pretty. Really pretty. Does that make me vain? It's not like I tell people that I'm pretty, but I definitely have some confidence in it. I hope I never get old. That would just make me sad.

But enought about me. I watched 2 episodes of LA Ink last night. I think Kat is super gorgeous. She had all of her tattoos covered up for the first time last night, and she just looked so average. Her tattoos really represent her personality. Thats why I want body art. Of course I have no idea about specific tattoos yet, but I know I want one on my foot.

Last year, I wrote like a 6 page research paper on Kat. That is how much I love her. And I got an A on that paper. Yeah, that's right ;)

I really want an Alpaca as a pet. Or I'd settle for a Llama. I think they are so cuteeee! And mom says I'm crazy, but I want a squirrel for a pet too. They are so tiny and frisky.

I Guess This Is How It Goes

I always get hurt. Other people come out unscathed, and I end up crying. I should gaurd myself, I know I should. But emotions and temptations lead me away from that. They direct me towards the paths that I realize are danderous. And no matter how many times it happens, I still believe the risk might be worth it.

I should've listen to Carly when she advised me "Never kiss one of your straight friends. It will end badly".

And yeah, carls was right. It had a shitty ending.

But dude, the thing is... CHURCH IS BULLSHIT. k,thanks.

Seriously. I believe that God loves you no matter what. After all, you are one of his children. He doesn't care if you are lesbian, bi, or gay. God wants you to be happy. So for all the people that say marriage is between a man and a woman... fuck you.

Oh, and Bipolar is a real disorder. Praying doesn't make it go away. I know this, because I live with this hellish condition. And my meds aren't doing the trick at the moment. You have no idea how badly I would just like to be numb. Incapable of feeling pain. Emotionless. Stoic.

Good grief, I'm unhappy. And I can't even get my thoughts out in therapy or to my psychiatrist.
I freeze up and have no idea what to say. It's the bane of my existance. That is, if I really do exist. I want this to be a dream. For every good thing there is, there are twice as many bad ones.

I need help, i really do. Xanax or something. I'm typing incredibly well, considering the manic state that I'm in.

Not to sound like everybody else in the world, but fuck my life. Now I'm going to drown my sorrows in a bottle chenin blanc and hope I forget this unfortunate event by morning.

A Favorite of Mine

One of my favorite history teachers of all time was Mrs.Newman. She was a real inspiration to me. Since her class, I have become a firm believer that history repeats itself. You must learn from the past... the good and bad things that have happened. Learn how to repeat the good, and avoid the bad. Keep evil rulers from gaining power again, realize corruptions in the government. But unfortunately, not everyone is aware that history repeats itself. Some think that everyday is a new one, and things from the past don't effect the future.

Oh, but things from the past do effect the future. And not just in terms of history. In your life, the things you have accomplished and the experiences that you have gained.... they shape you into the person that you will be tomorrow.

I'm actually really excited about this weekend. There is Jackie's engagement party saturday night, and im sure that will provide a great opportunity for me to get some shots with my new camera. Then, Sunday I'm spending the night with Jax so I can hangout with her Monday. We are going to taste wedding cakes. And I'm going to see if I can persuede her into taking me to Al's. This is making me happy :)

Im starting to think...

That I have a problem with relationships. Because it seems like I'm always getting hurt. So I've decided that I"m not going to get romantically involved with anyone unless I'm sure that it will last for awhile. No more quick flings, because those end up hurting way too much. And they are pointless wastes of time. Because in the end you aren't speaking to the person. It's stupid.

But enough of my bitching. It isn't really making me feel any better.

Today I was thinking about how fortunate I am. I have so many great things. Some are people and some are material possesions. But they both make me happy. I only have like the coolest mom in the world. She doesn't care that I say fuck about 2523451 times a day. And she didn't get mad when she had to take me to the doctor for a pregnancy test. Cool lady. Then there are the material things. My $500 phone. This rockin' new laptop. i touch. Expensive perfume. The other day she spent $1000 on me at Best Buy. That was when i got my new camera, a designer case, an fm trasmitter for my ipod, and a usb with an sd port. thank you momma ;) ahhh, now my daddy is peeling peaches. I must go steal some!