hi(;

i think im really smart. like, smarter than most people. and you could call that conceited, but whatever.

for example, last night we were talking about who jackie o was... and then someone's dad started trying to explain her. dear lord, i thought i was going to punch the man. he messed up so many facts about the woman's life... it was terrible. now, im not trying to put him down for being ill informed on history...but people should know when to shut the hell up. yeahhhh.

and another thing...definitions. for example, inflation. you know how many times i've heard people say that its an increase in prices. um, NO. its a DECREASE in the value of money. dumbass.

and impeach. most people think that means to remove someone from their position or office. uhh, wrong. it has nothing to do with that. impeachment is to formally bring charges against someone. and then, if that person is found guilty of those charges, they can be removed from their office.

so i think that before people start throwing out words, they should be well aware of what they mean. invest in a dictionary, for the love of humanity.

Speechless

For the first time ever, I have nothing to say. Nothing to say to her or to anyone else. I'm so unhappy with every aspect of my life, that I don't even know how to express it. Ugh, I want to blame it all on them, and say that it is all their fault. But honestly I know that I'm the problem.

It is impossible to please me or satisfy me. Nothing is ever good enough. I'm so rigid and cruel about everything. But I don't realize that I'm being that way until it is too late.

Blahhh. A couple weeks ago I was reading some of my stuff from Jan-May. And I got so emotional about how good things used to be. I was really happy less than 6 months ago, and now I'm the complete opposite. The thing is, I have no clue how to feel like that again. I don't even know where to start.

Most of the time I feel like my mom is suffocating me. She treats me like a little kid.... like she thinks I'm dumb. So that really grinds my gears because for the most part I am right and she is wrongggg. Yeah, thats right. My mom is the dumb one.

And then of course, there is this girl. And I don't really have anything to say to her anymore. Because I know that everything I want to say will be the wrong thing to say. I want to tell her how I feel about her, but that would most likely result in our relationship deteriorating down to nothing. But it is kinda headed towards the point of nothingness anyway. I just want to make her understand how incredible things would be if we were together. I want her so badly that it hurts. This is a scary thing for me because I've never felt this way about anyone before. And I hate that she doesnt know about these feelings. I hate that she will NEVER know about these feelings.

But, if I ever get to the point of suicide... I'll leave a note. And I'll let her know that she was part of the reason.

hey, hey!

I went to school everyday last week, even though I felt like shit the whole time. I'm proud of me. I am determined not to miss a single day of school. Because I want to show them. ;)

Anyway, I had a looong talk with my mother last night. Some parts good, some parts not. She said that I have chosen the wrong friends... referring to Carly and Amy. That made me mad, freal. But then again, if it were my kid.. ha I probably wouldn't care.

And I've been thinking about that a lot lately. When I pop out a kid, what am I going to tell them? I have had quite a few undesirable experiences, but I've learned from them. I don't think it is enough to tell someone not to do something. Sometimes it is better for them to figure it out for themselves. Because for the most part, they don't believe a single word you're saying.

So anyways... I want to know what constitutes the "wrong crowd". According to my mother, it is weed smokers, pierced/tattooed individuals, those that quit school/got kicked out, and people with no future. Well, if you ask me... I don't have a problem with those people. At least they are honest about their actions and intentions. To me, the wrong crowd would be the populars and the god squad. Now, the populars because they are fake. They aren't true to themselves. Actually, those people don't even have an idea of who they really are. And then the god squad because they are hypocritical liars. And they absorb themselves in religion because they are afraid of living.

Mmmm, you think I'm a tiny bit bitter towards Christians? And this isn't to say that all of them are bad, because they aren't. There is a handful of people that believe in Christ, and believe in helping others. They believe in love and tolerance. But as for the rest of them , they're not very good people.

So Many Things

It's been like a total shit storm in these past 2 weeks. School started, and I absolutely hate it. The teachers... the people. I just don't feel like dealing with it.

And then there is something going on with Amy. I don't even know what. I feel like she has abandomed me, like a dog. I don't want to deal with losing her, but if she is going to continue being like this... then it would be better to get over her now. I don't want to dig the wound any deeper, I want it to get better.

And I finally broke down and started talking to Sam again. I don't feel like I'm friends with her, but she feels like she is friends with me. I don't want to hurt her like she hurt me. That wouldn't make me any better than her. I feel like she really used me. And she keeps trying to tell me things about a certain someone. Like I want to know. And I promise I don't.

For the first time ever, I honestly want him dead. Just off of this Earth. I could take everything to court and ruin the rest of his life, but that would mean that I would have to deal with him. I just want it all to go away.

And I said I was going to church tonight. But the truth is, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like listening to someone rave and rant about religious bullshit.

I believe that people exist, and that is pretty much it. Maybe there is a diety, and maybe it is all a sick joke. One day we will find out. But I really think people should respect everyone's beliefs. And they shouldn't force their beliefs on anyone else.

The Enddddd.

The Original Girls Next Door

Okay, so today I discovered some strange things about the original Girls Next Door. Um, did you know that Bridget is 35. Yeah, so that isn't really that old. But when you consider that Kendra was only 19 when she moved into the mansion... it kinda makes you wonder. And Holly was 21 when she moved in. Its just odd that Hef would want a girl in her late 20's as a girlfriend.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking Bridget for being older. Because honestly, she doesnt look her age. But I will say one thing about her. On every episode, I thought of her as the "chubby" girl. Not fat by any means, but just a little heavier than all the other girls. And now since she has started her own show on the Travel Channel, she looks really skinny. I'm just saying.

Alright, so Holly. The shallow one. When she started to get famous, she dropped her real last name 'Cullen' and started using her middle name 'Madison' as her last name. Okay, so maybe some stars do that. But in my opinion Holly isn't THAT famous. And she has had plastic surgery. Not just a boob job, but a dramatic rhinoplasty. So she probably isn't even naturally pretty.

Kendra. My favorite. Very raw, and very real. But I think that maybe she is relying a little too much on Hef when she is supposed to be out on her own. I mean, making him the godfather of her child? And marrying Hank Baskett at the Playboy Mansion? Yeah, I'm sure Hef agreed to all of these things, but she shouldn't have asked so much of him. Especially since they broke up.

And am I the only one that finds it just a little fishy that one day everything is fine and then the next Holly is breaking up with Hef. And like the day after that, Kendra is leaving him for Hank. And the day after that Bridget goes to Europe to film Sexiest Beaches. It's like all of his girlfriends left in the same week. Damn, they did. I really want to know what all that is about.
And I want to know why there seems to be bad blood between Hef & Holly. Hef and Kendra seem to be getting along just great.

And seriously, who would agree to being one of seven girlfriends? Since Hef gets to have more than one girlfriend, I wonder if they get to have more than one boyfriend. It is an interesting concept.

And just for kicks, I wonder how many girls he has had sex with. Maybe 300-400? Who knows.

Guys, When It Rains

When one thing goes wrong, then everything starts falling apart. Like for example, my father. He just loves to start shit with me. He keeps nagging and picking until I feel like my head is going to explode. So naturally, I snap. And then the parents tag team me. And they are like "Why do you always have to be such a bitch?" Well, I can tell you that any other time, my parents don't talk to each other. Only when they are getting me in trouble. But, I guess that is just the way of parents.

I really need to finish my summer reading. Well, I need to finish The Gospel According to Larry. And then I must write a summary on a notecard. Blah. And as if that isn't enough, then I have to read Huck Finn and A Separate Peace. And summarize both of those on notecards. I really hope all of this is worth being in honors english. But most likely, it will be same as last year. More essays, harder questions, critical thinking. Not that I don't enjoy literature, but analyzing it is a completely different topic. Frankly, I hate to analyze anything. It sucks.

Well, I guess I'm about to find out if my mom took pity on me and brought me back a sandwich from subway. Today I'm not so sure that she did. But then, I suppose we will find out.

Just When I Was Starting To Think!

Alright, so ever since the day I was born my brother and sister have been hopeless drug addicts. Throughout my life, my parents have kept me at a distance from them. However, I was well versed in the late night phone calls to the house. Asking for various things; money, a ride, a place to stay. And I'd also seen my dad cry many times over the wrongs that his other children were doing. But honestly, I had no clue about the wrath of a true addict.

They had been to multiple rehabilitation centers in their lives, and each time they would stay clean for a few months. But then they would soon fall back into the old lifestlye. Well, after my brother stole from my parent's business, he was left with the decision of rehab or jail. And so he chose rehab.

They both went to the foundary for around 9 months, and they came out clean. In fact, they were showing hope of staying that way. We all had our suspicions that some light recreational drugs were in use, but in the grand scheme of things that didn't really matter.

Now, last night my brother saved my life. From my satanic, fuck tard of a sister.

And all that I can say to him is thanks, because that situation could have gone either way.
And as for my sister, since she went ape shit and tried to kill me, all I can sincerely say is DIE BITCH.

Man, I'm Always Putting Myself In These Situations

It always happens to me. If something is good, I screw it up. I guess that is just my luck. But I am really trying to avoid that. Im off of sex ;) Just like in Juno. Not because I'm pregnant, but because I have enough going on in my life. I dont need extra complications.

So, there is this girl. And I happen to be completely dependant on her. But she isn't my mother... in fact she isn't even related to me. I depend on her for advice, happiness, and love. I know I count on her too much. But you see, this girl isn't your ordinary chick. There is something really special about her. She is the only person that understands me from the core, and she doesn't put up with my bullshit. She actually deals with me. Most people look the other way because they don't feel like fighting with me, but not this girl. And I really appreciate her for that.


I can't imagine what I would do without her. I really don't want to think about it. It would be horendous if she ever stopped talking to me, caring about me, dealing with me and loving me. It would most likely lead me to my death. And it wouldn't be her fault. Only mine, for falling completely in love with her. Not a romantic love... simply a platonic one.


Lately I've been thinking about growing old. It is a scary thought that I am almost half way through high school. Then I will be in college and working. I have no earthly idea what I would like to do with the rest of my life. I love literature, but I have no clue how to turn that into a career. I want to marry a good man, one that really cares about me. But I'm sure that he will want children. And pregnancy is another one of those scary things about growing up. Becoming responsible for another human life. I don't know if I can do it, or if I would even want to.

Frustrations

I can't stand these judge shows. They drive me up the wall. I don't care about other people's lives. I don't want to know about their drama. Seriously. I have enough things of my own to deal with. I don't need extra.

So I've had my permit for a couple weeks, and I have only gotten to drive a few times. I ask mother "When are you going to get a car put in your name?" And she says "Well, that is just a lot of money to take out of our account right now..." So I guess that means that I don't get to use my permit, and that when it comes time to get my license... I won't be able to get it. Stress.

Maybe I have learned some of my behaviors from my mother. When she is upset, it is like a domino effect. If she has to be down, then she has to take me down with her. Things have always been like this.

And now Taitlynn is trying to convince her mother to take her to Julie's birthday party. She claims that she has to go because she is Julie's bestfriend. Well, I thought Taitlynn was supposed to be my bestfriend. And I don't recall Taitlynn even talking to me on my birthday. Or the days before it. Or the days after it. I had to REMIND her that she had forgotten my birthday. Some bestfriend.

Pretty much, I think I'd be a lot happier if I could be by myself. Live alone. Be alone in the world. Because I am smart, way smarter than most people. And I can call the shots better than you can ;)

So last thing. Those really strong Christian people are stupid. Devoting their lives to someone that may or may not exist. And then spreading the word about this person that may or may not exist. And all those Christian bands that sound exactly the same... they make me nauseous. I need something more along the lines of "When I see you tonight it's gonna be so cool. We can watch tv and maybe listen to some Husker Du"

My Father

My father annoys the fuck out of me. He says I'm obsessed by things, like texting and popping my joints. Well if you ask me, he is obsessed with the TV, his nextel beeper, and the damn newspaper. So he shouldn't be passing judgement. And he is too lazy to actually get out 0f the car and walk in subway. Now that pisses me off.

Man, I've had a headache everyday this week. Maybe it is how I do my hair now. Or maybe I'm just under too much stress. I dunno.

Im officially a sophomore. I hope this year goes well. Because freshman year had its ups and downs. I want things to go smoothly, just for once. I promise I've never done anything to deserve the stuff I have to deal with. I've never done anything that bad!

Lately I have started to realize that I am a pretty whiney individual. I get upset when I don't get my way. And not to make an excuse for it, but I think that part of the reason that I am this way is because I was constantly oppressed through out my childhood. I always let other people take control, and I really didn't have a true identity. So now that I have developed into my own person, I want things NOW. I don't feel like waiting because I have already spent my whole life waiting. Does any of this make sense? Does anything really make sense?

Am I Vain?

I think I'm pretty. Really pretty. Does that make me vain? It's not like I tell people that I'm pretty, but I definitely have some confidence in it. I hope I never get old. That would just make me sad.

But enought about me. I watched 2 episodes of LA Ink last night. I think Kat is super gorgeous. She had all of her tattoos covered up for the first time last night, and she just looked so average. Her tattoos really represent her personality. Thats why I want body art. Of course I have no idea about specific tattoos yet, but I know I want one on my foot.

Last year, I wrote like a 6 page research paper on Kat. That is how much I love her. And I got an A on that paper. Yeah, that's right ;)

I really want an Alpaca as a pet. Or I'd settle for a Llama. I think they are so cuteeee! And mom says I'm crazy, but I want a squirrel for a pet too. They are so tiny and frisky.

I Guess This Is How It Goes

I always get hurt. Other people come out unscathed, and I end up crying. I should gaurd myself, I know I should. But emotions and temptations lead me away from that. They direct me towards the paths that I realize are danderous. And no matter how many times it happens, I still believe the risk might be worth it.

I should've listen to Carly when she advised me "Never kiss one of your straight friends. It will end badly".

And yeah, carls was right. It had a shitty ending.

But dude, the thing is... CHURCH IS BULLSHIT. k,thanks.

Seriously. I believe that God loves you no matter what. After all, you are one of his children. He doesn't care if you are lesbian, bi, or gay. God wants you to be happy. So for all the people that say marriage is between a man and a woman... fuck you.

Oh, and Bipolar is a real disorder. Praying doesn't make it go away. I know this, because I live with this hellish condition. And my meds aren't doing the trick at the moment. You have no idea how badly I would just like to be numb. Incapable of feeling pain. Emotionless. Stoic.

Good grief, I'm unhappy. And I can't even get my thoughts out in therapy or to my psychiatrist.
I freeze up and have no idea what to say. It's the bane of my existance. That is, if I really do exist. I want this to be a dream. For every good thing there is, there are twice as many bad ones.

I need help, i really do. Xanax or something. I'm typing incredibly well, considering the manic state that I'm in.

Not to sound like everybody else in the world, but fuck my life. Now I'm going to drown my sorrows in a bottle chenin blanc and hope I forget this unfortunate event by morning.

A Favorite of Mine

One of my favorite history teachers of all time was Mrs.Newman. She was a real inspiration to me. Since her class, I have become a firm believer that history repeats itself. You must learn from the past... the good and bad things that have happened. Learn how to repeat the good, and avoid the bad. Keep evil rulers from gaining power again, realize corruptions in the government. But unfortunately, not everyone is aware that history repeats itself. Some think that everyday is a new one, and things from the past don't effect the future.

Oh, but things from the past do effect the future. And not just in terms of history. In your life, the things you have accomplished and the experiences that you have gained.... they shape you into the person that you will be tomorrow.

I'm actually really excited about this weekend. There is Jackie's engagement party saturday night, and im sure that will provide a great opportunity for me to get some shots with my new camera. Then, Sunday I'm spending the night with Jax so I can hangout with her Monday. We are going to taste wedding cakes. And I'm going to see if I can persuede her into taking me to Al's. This is making me happy :)

Im starting to think...

That I have a problem with relationships. Because it seems like I'm always getting hurt. So I've decided that I"m not going to get romantically involved with anyone unless I'm sure that it will last for awhile. No more quick flings, because those end up hurting way too much. And they are pointless wastes of time. Because in the end you aren't speaking to the person. It's stupid.

But enough of my bitching. It isn't really making me feel any better.

Today I was thinking about how fortunate I am. I have so many great things. Some are people and some are material possesions. But they both make me happy. I only have like the coolest mom in the world. She doesn't care that I say fuck about 2523451 times a day. And she didn't get mad when she had to take me to the doctor for a pregnancy test. Cool lady. Then there are the material things. My $500 phone. This rockin' new laptop. i touch. Expensive perfume. The other day she spent $1000 on me at Best Buy. That was when i got my new camera, a designer case, an fm trasmitter for my ipod, and a usb with an sd port. thank you momma ;) ahhh, now my daddy is peeling peaches. I must go steal some!